Car won't start, possibly after being hit while parked

On Thursday, I went out to the parking lot and my vehicle
wouldn't start. I put the key in the ignition, and the dash
went crazy with lots of clicking and flashing. I took the key
out and put it back, turning it to ACC, and the lights and
radio turned on, but the car still wouldn't crank. I pop the
hood, and when I went to open it, I notice a "rear mounted
spare shaped" rent on the hood. Open the hood and the
plastic screws that holds the grill in place come rolling out.
I ask my wife if something happened to her car, but she
says no. I'm guessing someone just backed in to me.
Anyway, I hook a jump starter up to it, and it starts, but
drains the jumper completely.

On the way home, we stop at the grocery store. Like an
idiot, I turn the car off. It won't start again, and now my
jumper is dead. I get someone to jump me, but after
multiple attempts, the last one after a 10 minute wait,
nothing. In fact, it cranks less than at first. Lots of crazy
flickering on the dash, locks constantly making unlocking
noise, when I put the key directly in the "on" position. If I
turn it to "ACC" first, it behaves normally. The car's lights are
starting to dim. I walk home, get my truck, and come back
for my wife.

Next morning, I go back for the car with a fully charged
jumper. Starts up with the jumper, no problem. Drains the
jumper completely again. Usually this thing can jump 3-4
times. Drive the car home. My father in law, a retired
mechanic, is 100% sure it's the starter at this point. 2 hours
and $200 later... new starter, same problem.

This car has an issue where sometimes, if you accelerate
even a little quickly, the power steering cuts out and the
whole dash lights up. Applying the brake brings it back.
Other times, while driving along, the battery light goes on
and a warning chime sounds, but doesn't seem to effect
driving at all. Goes away after a couple seconds.

I'm no mechanic, but here's my theory: somebody backed
into me, setting off my alarm. Since this car seems to have
electrical problems, I'm thinking it drains my battery
somehow, just enough where it won't turn over the engine.
Starts up with the extra power of my jumper, but quickly
drains it, since the anti theft is still engaged. From what I've
pieced together off the internet, this car has faulty anti
theft, ignition switch, and power steering/electrical. Now
something keeps draining it, or maybe diverting power
away from the starter. Anyway, that's my hypothesis.

Any ideas? Any similar problems? Any help? Thanks guys.