Turn signal electrical issue? G35 Coupe 2007

Whenever I get in my car, a 10-20 second timer gets set off which sounds like the turn signal is
on but it isn't. When the timer is clicking, various lights start flashing - the headlights, side
markers, and tail lights all flash like the hazards are on. The center-console clock flashes in-
sync with the timer and the 3 buttons under the wheel (VDC, Trunk, and Dashboard light
strength) all start flashing until the timer ends.

It's not just getting in the car that sets it off either, it's any door opening or closing, the trunk
opening or closing, or even when I drive and then brake and come to a complete stop. Literally
the second the car completely stops, it sets the timer off again and all the lights described
above will flash for 10-20 seconds and then it'll stop.

No warning lights on the dashboard. I've tried pressing every single button in my car to see if it
somehow stops it from triggering - no luck there.

Spoken to various "car people" about this and none of them have any idea what's going on. I'm
guessing the electrics are shorting out somewhere or a fuse is faulty?

I'm so confused.